


A Miserable Beginning

by TWFKA3I



Series: Kinky and Muslim [1]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Biphobia, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, Religion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-18
Updated: 2018-02-18
Packaged: 2019-03-20 14:46:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 827
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13719936
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TWFKA3I/pseuds/TWFKA3I
Summary: A Muslim woman learns to love her whole self. Not in this excerpt though.





	A Miserable Beginning

**Author's Note:**

> Excerpt of first chapter of first draft.

Hawa made sure she arrived a early to the mosque. She gave quick ‘ _ Salaams _ ’ to the few people there before her who were talking in the lounge. She quickly washed in the bathroom, then made her way to the women's’ section of the main prayer room. She breathed a sigh of relief. She put on her  _ abaya _ and  _ hijab _ , then marked her spot in the far corner with her prayer beads. The  _ adhan _ was called. She prayed her two  _ rakat _ , then sat and waited for services to begin.

Women slowly trickled into the prayer room. Most of them knew Hawa well enough to know that she wanted to be ignored, and so they did. The second  _ athan _ was called, and the imam made his way to the pulpit. The  _ khatib _ announced the imam as “Imam Abdallah”.

_ Fuck, _ she thought.  _ Fuck, you knew you should have checked the schedule Hawa why, shit shit shit. _

“ _ Assalaamu Alaikum! _ ” he greeted.

“ _ Wa Alaikum a Salaam, _ ” the audience replied.

He began his  _ khutba _ . “My brothers and sisters in Islam.”

Hawa sat frozen.  _ Come on, come on, get up, you can get up and go.  _ She stayed frozen. 

“Allah says, “O mankind! We created you from a single pair of a male and a female.” Allah says, “Men and women are protectors of one another.” Allay says, “Men are Qawwamun over women, because God has given one more strength than the other, and because of the sustenance they provide from their own means. Therefore, the righteous women are devoutly obedient, and guard what God would have them guard.

“Allah, in his knowledge and mercy, has made us into pairs. A man belongs with a woman, and a woman belongs with a man. And he has told us this. So then why, why do people say that no, a man can belong with a man and a woman can belong with a woman? And it is not even the  _ kafirun _ who are saying this. I have heard, even among ourselves, among our  _ ummah _ , people saying this untruth.

“They say, “Who are we to judge other people? It is not our place. Only Allah may judge them.”

“I say, who are we to deny what Allah has said, what Allah has revealed to us? Allah has told us that this is an abomination unto his creation. Allah has told us that we should not allow them to walk among us. Allah has told us that they are sick, that must seek healing through prayer, that they must seek His mercy.”

Hawa sat rigid in her corner. It was too late now to leave. She willed no one to look at her, to pay any attention to her. She felt as though she was broadcasting her sexuality, that if any of the congregation looked at her they would see her bisexuality broadcast all over her face, all over her body, as clearly as if it was a neon sign.

“My brothers and sisters in Islam…”

Hawa suddenly realized that the third  _ athan _ was being called and the women were lining up for prayer. She had zoned out and had missed the rest of the khutba. She felt relieved; she wouldn’t have to listen any longer. The relief was immediately followed by guilt. She pushed all the feelings down, and took her place at the end of the line. She tried to force herself to pay full attention to the prayer, trying to move intentionally. She tried to find peace in the standing, in the bowing, in the kneeling. But her mind wandered down the well trodden paths.

She bowed for the second rakat.

_ Why do I have to be this- _

_ Subhana Rabbiyal Adhim.  _ _   
_ _ How Perfect is my Lord, the Supreme. _

She stood.

_ I can choose why did I choose to be with a woman I knew that was wrong why- _

_ Sami'Allahu liman hamidah.  _ _   
_ _ Allah hears those who praise Him. _

_ Rabbana lakal hamd. _ _   
_ _ Our Lord, praise be to You. _

She knelt, and placed her forehead on the ground.

_ I make such terrible decisions why am I so stupid- _

_ Subhana Rabbiyal A'la. _ _   
_ _ How Perfect is my Lord, the Highest. _

She sat back down on her heels.

_ You’re disgusting.  _

_ Rabbighfir li. _ _   
_ _ O my Lord! Forgive me. _

Twice more she bowed, and twice more she sat back down on her heels.

_ No one would choose to do what you do why are you so perverted- _

_ Subhana Rabbiyal A'la. _ _   
_ _ How Perfect is my Lord, the Highest. _

_ Rabbighfir li. _ _   
_ _ O my Lord! Forgive me. _

She turned her face to the right, and then to the left.

_ You’re ruined why would anyone want you- _

_ Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullah. _ _   
_ _ Peace and the mercy of Allah be on you. _

And then the ritual prayer was over.

The congregation burst into chatter. Everyone hugged each other, wished each other peace and blessings. They organized playdates for their children and potlucks and began to plan for Ramadan.

Hawa fled the prayer room as soon as she could.


End file.
